# #EggplantVendetta #DontMessWithJersey #FourYearGrudge #ReturnPolicyGoneWrong #SandwichSins
By: TheJestPress.com
NEWARK, NJ—Proving once and for all that New Jersey residents truly never forget, a man returned to a local deli four years after allegedly being tricked into eating a sandwich with eggplant and “rescued his pride” by stabbing the owner, authorities say.
“Look, I stand by my actions,” said Anthony “Tony” Ricottone, interviewed from the county jail. “I asked for a sausage and peppers hero, not a damn eggplant surprise. I’ve been dreaming about eggplants just attacking me in my sleep ever since.”
According to the official timeline, Ricottone stewed in silent rage for 1,462 days, occasionally Googling “how long is too long to enact vengeance?” before marching back into Mama Fazio’s Deli, armed with a four-year-old grudge and a paring knife.
Mama Fazio, who declined to comment while applying Neosporin to her wound, seemed unfazed. “Between this and people yelling about cold mozzarella, I don’t even flinch anymore,” she shrugged, adding, “At least it wasn’t about gluten-free bread this time.”
Experts in both psychology and sandwich construction say this is “the most New Jersey thing to ever happen.” Dr. Salvatore Gobbagool, Sandwich Traumatology Profiler, explained: “New Jerseyans do not fear confrontation. We also have the world’s highest per-capita rate of food-related wounds, mostly fueled by tomato sauce. This was, frankly, inevitable.”
Ricottone’s lawyer insisted his client simply wanted a proper sandwich. “My client expected tubular meats, not veggie mush. The system failed him. Also, he’s been subsisting on nothing but Lunchables since this incident, so you do the math.”
The deli has pledged to place an “Eggplant Alert” warning on their menu. Meanwhile, Ricottone remains behind bars, reportedly plotting revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once gave him a rice cake.
By: TheJestPress.com
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