#Satire #BreakingNews #PureOfHeart #FamilyStatements #SatiricalNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Family Declares Stabbed Student “Pure of Heart,” Authorities Assess Wizard Ancestry**
In a heartwarming yet knife-edge twist, the family of local university student Tyler Monroe, who was recently stabbed during a campus altercation, announced Monday that he was “pure of heart.” The declaration, typically reserved for medieval knights, Disney protagonists, and people who mail back lost wallets, has sparked widespread speculation regarding Tyler’s possible magical lineage.
“We always said Tyler was pure of heart,” said Aunt Marjorie Monroe, clutching a framed photo of Tyler posing with his collection of participation trophies. “He never swore, except for that period when he subscribed to Gordon Ramsay’s cooking classes. He even volunteered at the petting zoo, regardless of his severe goat allergy.”
Campus police, looking thoroughly confused, issued a statement, “While we’re still tracking down the suspect, we can confirm that Tyler’s blood test for purity came back… inconclusive. Further testing for traces of unicorn hair is underway.”
Students who know Tyler reacted with awe and competitive envy. “I didn’t even know being pure of heart was still an option,” muttered roommate Kyle Bender, who accidentally tore the recycling last week. “I’ve been evil since 2015.”
Other campus organizations have declared plans to erect a statue in Tyler’s honor, though the art department warns it will be constructed out of papier-mâché and hope, as their ceramics budget was slashed after last year’s pottery incident.
As for Tyler, currently recovering at a hospital, he is said to be in stable condition. When interviewed, he reportedly asked, “Does being pure of heart mean I never have to pay for parking again?”
The university has since issued a heartfelt warning urging students to stay safe and avoid dark alleys—unless armed with a legendary sword or an enchanted friendship bracelet.
By: TheJestPress.com
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