#CleanAirScare #GadgetMadness #CovidCuriosities #TechnoWizards #TrustTheScience
By: TheJestPress.com
**New Indoor Air-Cleaning Gadgets Promise to Cleanse Your Soul, Unravel Your DNA, and Maybe Stop the Flu (Results May Vary)**
A new study released this week has shocking news for anyone who recently turned their living room into a scene from “Breaking Bad”—only with less meth, more ionizers. Scientists from the Institute for Common Sense and Overdue Epiphanies report that while the tech industry has been pumping out gadgets claiming to clean your indoor air and murder viruses (COVID-19 and the flu, you know, those guys), almost none of them have actually been tested on living, breathing, binge-watching humans.
This earth-shattering revelation comes on the heels of millions buying boxes emitting purple light that claim “99.9% VIRUS KILLING”—the fine print, of course, reads “*on simulated viruses, simulated homes, and ideally, simulated people.*”
“Sure, these devices do a great job cleaning Petri dishes,” said Dr. Alexa Hughes, lead researcher and distant relative of a Roomba. “Unfortunately, most people are slightly more complicated than gelatin in a bowl. Although, some citizens of the internet are closing this gap.”
Concerns have also been raised that poorly tested devices may not stop at zapping viruses—they could be zapping precious brain cells, plants, or that last living house spider keeping the gnats at bay.
“At this point, some gadgets are releasing more ozone than a ‘90s hair band reunion,” Hughes added. “It’s making grandpa’s leather chair smell suspiciously like a freshly wiped chemical spill.”
The study’s authors recommend a wacky-old-school approach: open a window. Or, if you can’t, consider wearing pants and saying things like “excuse me” to your roommate, both of which, research suggests, have no known side effects.
When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the Association of Hot New Air-Purifying Gizmos responded, “We remain committed to producing effective products—but also, have you seen our laser fog machine?”
Stay tuned for next week, when we explore whether your smart fridge is plotting to refrigerate you in return.
By: TheJestPress.com
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