#PlasticProblems #SatireNews #PlasticFantastic #HealthCrisis #RecycleOrElse
By: TheJestPress.com
**World in $1.5tn ‘Plastics Crisis’: Experts Warn Babies Are Now 90% Sippy Cup, 10% Human**
Citizens of Planet Earth, unite! We barely blinked when climate change asked us to switch to paper straws. But now, the Guardian’s latest exposé says we’re locked in a *$1.5 trillion* plastics crisis, and the warning is clear: from the moment we blast out of the womb to the day we dust off our walker (also plastic), our lives are as synthetic as a Kardashian selfie.
How bad is it? “We’re seeing microplastics show up in baby poop, mother’s milk, and alarmingly, in 206 out of 200 major brands of bottled water,” says Dr. Polly Styrene, Chief Plasticsologist. Today’s toddlers are the first generation to be completely bottle-fed on recycled Lego dust and Capri-Sun pouches. Gerber has announced a new “Baby’s First 6-Pack Rings” teether: “It’s never too early to teach ‘em about ocean life!”
Health authorities are baffled by the surge in bizarre afflictions, such as Polymeriosis (turning slightly transparent under supermarket lighting) and Tupperware Lung—where your cough comes with a satisfying “burp seal.” Meanwhile, orthopedists are reporting a sharp rise in patients diagnose with ‘Forever Chemicals Elbow’—an unexplainable urge to stack leftovers in color-coded containers.
What’s being done? Governments convened a Plastics Summit but adjourned after realizing all the conference name tags, cups, and protest banners were non-biodegradable except for the vegan lanyards—made of kale, and already decomposed.
Proposed solutions range from eating plastic in small, tasteful portions (“Pair it with rosé,” suggests Food Network) to a “No Child Left Behind” campaign—literally scouring playgrounds for microbeads.
In the meantime, medical experts recommend breathing shallowly, switching to glass furniture, and, when in doubt, always go with the blue bin.
Remember: Reduce, reuse, and above all, laugh—because plastic never really decomposes, but your sanity might.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment