#AgingIsCancelled #MonkeyBusiness #ScienceFictionIRL #YoungAtHeart #RejuvenationNation
By: TheJestPress.com
In what scientists are calling “a medical breakthrough” and Big Pharma is calling “a mild inconvenience,” researchers have successfully reprogrammed aging in primates by injecting them with genetically enhanced mesenchymal progenitor cells—a phrase so long, it’s actually subtracting years from anyone who tries to pronounce it out loud.
The experiment, conducted at the prestigious Institute for Scientific Monkeying Around, saw elderly macaques transformed almost overnight. Not only did their gray fur regain its youthful sheen, but they also started binge-watching TikTok, staying up too late, and insisting their researchers “just don’t get it.” One baboon, thought to be 25 in monkey years, demanded avocado toast and started a podcast.
Lead scientist Dr. Vera Youngagain told TheJestPress.com, “This could be the elixir of life we’ve all been dreaming of! Also, I could really use a nap.” She and her team reported that after just three treatments, the monkeys were swinging from trees like they were thirteen, wearing their hair in daring new styles, and even requesting to “update their LinkedIn profiles.”
However, not all results were positive. Several rejuvenated primates immediately signed up for CrossFit and began critiquing their peers’ banana diets, prompting an official complaint from the Primate Ethics Committee. “If the side effect is an uptick in Instagram influencers among macaques, we may have gone too far,” the committee chairperson stated.
The team is now seeking approval for human trials, pending proper consent, ethical reviews, and a binding agreement that anyone over 70 rejuvenated by the treatment will NOT try to join TikTok dance challenges.
Tech companies are reportedly furious they didn’t think of this first. “We were just going to rebrand regular old water as ‘Youth Juice’ and double the price,” sighed one Silicon Valley CEO.
Stay tuned as the world waits to see if 80 really is the new 18—or if, in the end, we’ll all just be monkeys with better hair.
By: TheJestPress.com
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