#RegretfulParenting #ParentingFails #OopsIEggedHisFuture #SouthportShenanigans #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
In what many are calling a master class in questionable parenting, local stepmother Brenda Higginbotham has released a heartfelt statement about her decision to take her stepson, Dylan, 12, on a bonding trip to last night’s Southport riot. “In retrospect, I should have just taken him bowling,” she sighed, clutching a half-eaten riot police helmet as a souvenir.
The riot, which erupted after the now-infamous “Southport Slap” heard ‘round the county, seemed a promising opportunity for family connection amid chaos. “Mothers are always trying to find unique activities,” Brenda explained. “Other moms do those trendy pottery classes, but those fill up fast. You know what doesn’t fill up? Street riots.”
Brenda claims she intended to teach Dylan about social activism, teamwork, and proper torch-throwing posture. “He’s never learned to light something on fire with confidence until last night,” she boasted, before outlining the many ‘teachable moments’ the event provided, such as first aid from tear gas, and how to outrun local news vans.
Local authorities were less impressed, describing her parenting style as “hands-on,” and noting that Dylan now lists his hobbies as “looting, live-streaming, and shouting anti-lamppost slogans.”
Reflecting on the experience, Brenda has since realized the error in her judgment. “The bowling alley gives you shoes,” she lamented. “All we got last night was a shoe, thrown at us by an angry man who really loves benches.”
At press time, Brenda stated she’s exploring less riotous ways to bond, including competitive reality show marathons and junior lock-picking classes at their community center.
Dylan, for his part, says next time he just hopes for ice cream—and maybe a less flammable maternal figure.
By: TheJestPress.com
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