#VegasVacationBlues #NotSoSinCity #DrySpellOnTheStrip #WhatHappensWhenNoOneShowsUp #SlotMachineSobStories
By: TheJestPress.com
LAS VEGAS, NV – In a stunning turn of events, Las Vegas officials announced this week that June tourism in the city was down 11% from just last year, sending shockwaves through bellhop circles and buffet lines alike. For the first time since the Great Mojito Shortage of 1983, the Strip’s biggest crowds were mostly confused pigeons and a handful of lost holographic Elvis impersonators.
A spokesdealer at Caesar’s Palace told The Jest Press that the tumble in visitors forced them to take drastic measures. “Yesterday, a slot machine dinged, and the echo startled me. I hadn’t heard that sound in weeks,” the dealer lamented, clutching his novelty dice keychain for emotional support.
Some analysts blamed high gas prices, while others pointed to the rise in air conditioning costs. “We used to attract tourists with cheap rooms and all-you-can-eat crab legs,” said Lisa Morris, local casino executive. “Now, we’re having to throw in coupons for discounted sunscreen. And let’s just say our Elvis jumpsuits are clinging a little tighter this year.”
The usually-wild pool parties now resemble tranquil therapy sessions. Lifeguard Chad “Big Wave” Johnson recounted, “Last Friday, I rescued a beach ball and complimented an empty lounge chair. I can’t remember the last time someone splashed me.”
Desperate to attract crowds, hotels have launched new promotions including “Bring a Friend, Get a Free Mirage Illusion!” and “Play Blackjack With a Cardboard Cutout of Lady Gaga.” Even local magicians expressed hope that tourists would soon reappear—preferably not out of thin air.
Economists warn if the trend continues, city officials may resort to their final contingency: inviting the rest of Nevada. However, with so many Nevadans already in Vegas, this plan is expected to “generate at least three new visitors.”
In the meantime, local seagulls are expected to break last year’s record for most pizza crusts consumed outside Circus Circus.
By: TheJestPress.com
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