#RFKJr #VaccineDrama #FundingFrenzy #SatireNews #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**RFK Jr. Pulls $500 Million in Funding for Vaccine Development, Sends Researchers a “Get Well Soon” Card Instead**
In an unexpected twist that left the medical community both underfunded and scratching their bandaged heads, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has reportedly withdrawn $500 million in vaccine development funding. In lieu of the half-billion dollars, health researchers report they received a heartfelt Hallmark card featuring a cartoon chicken in bed with a thermometer, and the words: “Get Well Soon!”
Sources at the National Institute of Health said the abrupt move came just hours after Kennedy heard rumors that COVID-19 boosters might be available in grape flavor soon. “We didn’t even know the man controlled a dime of vaccine funding,” admitted Dr. Lisa Placebo, startled head of Virology Optimism. “But I guess his influence is as mysterious as his understanding of immunology.”
RFK Jr., reached for comment, stood next to a stack of unvaccinated oranges and explained his rationale. “America needs fresh juice—not more jabs. I think true immunity comes from vitamin C, good vibes, and believing really hard that viruses don’t exist. So, naturally, the money was better spent on organic smoothies and sending wellness chakra crystals to every household.”
Global research teams, who were preparing to launch new immunization campaigns, have now shifted strategy. “We’re testing a rub-on essential oil that smells like Pfizer Profits,” said one. “If anything, it’ll keep the accountants away.”
The White House responded by funding an alternative: the nation’s first mandatory ‘hug a chicken’ program, in hopes of encouraging natural antibodies and, possibly, eggs for all.
Kennedy’s campaign has since promised to reinvest the missing $500 million into “other disruptive health products,” such as gluten-free Band-Aids and homeopathic seat belts.
As the world waits for his next big scoop, one thing is clear: my best shot at being healthy may be lottery odds and licking an orange.
By: TheJestPress.com
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