#TNExecution #DarkHumor #ElectricAntics #SatireNews #YouCantMakeThisUp
By: TheJestPress.com
NASHVILLE, TN – In a development both shocking and oddly on-brand for the Volunteer State, Tennessee prison officials are reportedly busy prepping the electric chair for the forthcoming execution of inmate Larry “Livewire” Jenkins, who this week became the first prisoner in state history scheduled for state-sanctioned termination while sporting an up-and-running implanted defibrillator.
Concerns have been raised that the $30,000 cardiac device, installed after a near-fatal pork barbecue incident, may complicate the traditional execution process. Electric chair technician (and part-time magician) Earl Ray Scruggs admitted, “We’re still working out whether hitting him with 2,450 volts will make his ticker stop, reboot, or accidentally install Windows Vista.”
Warden Martha “Sparky” Turner elaborated, “Safety is our number one priority, but not, you know, *for him*. We did reach out to the manufacturer about warranty voids, but apparently prolonged electrocution is ‘outside typical usage.’ Their words, not mine.”
The American Heart Association has reportedly pulled their sponsorship for this event, fearing blowback – or at least electrical feedback. Meanwhile, Jenkins himself remains optimistic, saying through his attorney, “If anything can withstand the chair, it might be this hardware. If I glow in the dark after, think of the savings on night lights.”
The Tennessee Department of Corrections has announced contingency plans, including switching to lethal injection, unplugging the defibrillator, or simply striking Jenkins very hard with an unplugged lamp.
“This is a new frontier in ethical uncertainty, and probably cable management,” noted leading ethicist Dr. Pat Voltage. “Worst-case scenario, he outlives the warden.”
As of press time, the only question remaining: Is it cruel and unusual punishment if it technically counts as a warranty test?
By: TheJestPress.com
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