#OceanGate #TitanicTourism #SubmersibleFails #LessonNotLearned #ByTheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
In a shocking development that has stunned absolutely no one, the U.S. Coast Guard released a report this week declaring that the catastrophic implosion of the Titan submersible—which killed five wealthy thrill-seekers faster than you can say “Would you like a complimentary snack for your $250,000 voyage?”—was, in fact, “preventable.”
“We looked at all the evidence, engineering reports, and the literal warning letters written in all caps with 16 exclamation points,” said Chief Investigator Bob Deepsea. “And after careful analysis, we’ve officially determined that cramming five people into an experimental carbon-fiber tube, controlling it with a $29 Bluetooth game controller from 2012, and bolting the hatch shut with Home Depot hardware was not, in retrospect, a best practice.”
The report strongly recommends “not doing exactly what OceanGate did,” especially when visiting the Titanic, a ship whose own captain’s motto was once “What’s the worst that could happen?”
A diagram contained within the report lists alternative exploration methods, including “just googling Titanic pictures,” “building a LEGO set,” and “watching the 1997 movie and fast-forwarding to the part with the cool sinking effects.”
In response to the findings, representatives of the “Extreme Bucket List” industry assured the public that they are still committed to offering impossible experiences—just now with at least one more waiver and a promise that “our new submersibles will be as safe as any amusement park ride operated by a guy named ‘Buzz’ wearing a Nascar T-shirt.”
OceanGate, for its part, released a brief statement: “We’re surprised and deeply saddened by the findings, as no one could’ve predicted that ignoring repeated warnings about pressure vessels at three thousand meters might end badly. We will review the memo after our next dive.”
Lesson learned: For future trips to the bottom of the ocean, best to send a letter—or perhaps just your thoughts.
By: TheJestPress.com
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