#Satire #WarAndPeaceAndTrade #CapitalismWins #EconomicYoga #AwkwardAllies
By: TheJestPress.com
Three years into what historians are already calling “the world’s most determinedly awkward standoff,” both the United States and Europe have surprised everyone—especially themselves—by continuing to funnel billions of dollars into trade with Russia. When pressed for comment, officials admitted they’re “trying their best to look stern while keeping the lights on and their cappuccino machines operational.”
“You have to understand—it’s a very nuanced situation,” explained a US State Department spokesperson. “While we completely oppose every action on moral, ethical, and Instagram-story grounds, turns out some Russian stuff is still super handy. Like, have you ever tried pulling espresso shots without sanctioned titanium?”
European leaders agree, citing ‘anxiety’ as one of their greatest imports from Russia, just after oil and slightly before caviar. “We’d love to cut them off,” said a Brussels official, “But have you seen our gas bills? If we stop now, the only thing keeping us warm this winter will be hot air from our own speeches.”
Economists predict that, if the trend continues, future wars may be waged entirely over Zoom, with participants mutually agreeing to embargo one another’s national anthems while continuing to swap vodka, luxury cars, and memes about the situation.
Meanwhile, politicians assure their voters that every loophole is as temporary as their campaign promises. “We’re reviewing sanctions daily,” said one European Commission member, already drafting a sternly worded tweet thread. “Right after checking the ruble’s exchange rate.”
Historians speculate future museums will feature separate wings: one for the war’s official narrative, another for receipts from ongoing transactions.
In a related story, Russia announced it’s also issuing sanctions—on patience, common sense, and large shipments of irony.
By: TheJestPress.com
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