#BolsonaroBlues #CoupOrNoCoup #USDiplomacy101 #HideAndSeek #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
In a move even Houdini would call “ambitious,” U.S. officials have reportedly “stepped up efforts” to help former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro avoid jail time regarding his alleged coup plot. After hearing Brazilian authorities might arrest him, the U.S. State Department jumped into action—which, in this context, means they Googled “how to keep ex-presidents out of jail.”
Sources say the U.S. is proposing several classic strategies. First on the list is the “Presidential Relocation Program”—think Witness Protection, but with more Twitter accounts and fewer witnesses. They’ve even secured a faux-Florida mansion dubbed “Mar-a-Gogo” in which Bolsonaro can blend in seamlessly with American retirees obsessed with lawn maintenance and conspiracy theories.
Moreover, U.S. officials are exploring “creative diplomacy.” One leaked memo suggested disguising Bolsonaro as a Taco Bell employee, since nobody’s ever seen a former head of state working the drive-thru. Meanwhile, another option involves sending him to exile in Canada, but only if he promises to never try curling.
White House spokespeople insist this is just “standard assistance for democracy transitioners,” noting that “if anyone knows how to handle a failed coup, it’s us, unfortunately.” Anonymous sources within Washington claim that part of the U.S. effort is to distract authorities by shipping them endless Marvel movie reboots and boxes of pre-shredded documents.
For his part, Bolsonaro said he “appreciates the help, but would be happy just to keep his WhatsApp admin privileges” and has already begun practicing his ‘I’m-just-the-landscaper’ accent in case things get dicey.
In the end, the U.S. remains committed to helping wayward world leaders—even those with more failed coups than verified Twitter followers—avoid prison, exile, or, worst of all, forced relocation to Cleveland.
—By: TheJestPress.com
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