#Satire #CampusNews #RightLeaningRecruits #PoliceAcademy #CollegiateConservatives
By: TheJestPress.com
**Incoming Police Majors At Local College Arrive With Pre-Installed Right-Leaning Opinions**
Move over, Apple and Microsoft—there’s a new pre-installed program in town, and it isn’t bloatware or Candy Crush. Sociology professors across the nation confirmed this week that late adolescents entering college with dreams of becoming police officers are more likely to begin their education bundled with right-leaning views, while their peers are still arguing about Coldplay on Reddit.
“It’s remarkable,” said Dr. Linda Schultz, who teaches Introduction to Extremely Awkward Conversations. “By sophomore year, most students are still learning to microwave ramen without burning the dorm down. But cadets? They’re already debating property rights at orientation and requesting blue-light filters on their textbooks.”
Compare that to the general college population, where the biggest right-leaning views involve who gets the right to choose Spotify playlists at the dining hall. Not so among our future defenders of justice: the only thing more secure than their political stance is their WiFi connection—set to “Don’t Tread on Me_guest.”
“I’m not saying I want a Humvee on the quad,” explained freshman future-cop, Todd Branson, “but if there’s ever a riot in the cafeteria over tater tots, you’ll want me nearby. And the entire Bill of Rights laminated in my wallet.”
The college administration is already responding, setting up a new student orientation icebreaker called “Separate But…Equal-ish Political Discussions,” where students can find common ground through shouting matches over parking policies. It’s been described as “productive” by no one.
Meanwhile, campus security has reported a 200% increase in requests to make “Dad jokes” about Miranda rights in the classroom. Psych majors are currently studying the phenomenon, provided they can get past the cadets’ 18-minute handshake routine.
When asked if the trend is likely to continue, one admissions officer shrugged: “At least someone’s passionate about campus rules.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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