#CherryCatastrophe #RottingRiches #FruitlessLabor #PitifulSituation #SatireSprouts
By: TheJestPress.com
In what experts are calling “the most pitiful fruit-related disaster since last year’s kumquat confusion,” local cherry farmer Bob “Pitmaster” Johanssen is watching his perfectly plump cherries rot right on the branches—right in front of Mother Nature, the crows, and anyone driving too slow past his orchard.
The trouble began earlier in the season when Bob’s workforce, half of whom were lured away by a rival farm offering “air-conditioned barns, free Wi-Fi, and slightly fewer bee stings,” disappeared overnight. The remaining half, led by a guy named Chuck who claims to be “allergic to the color red,” have been unable to keep up with the crop.
“As you can see,” Bob explained, gesturing grandly toward the decaying fruit, “the cherries are very committed to the concept of composting this year.”
Without the necessary hands (or enthusiasm), Bob’s cherries have entered a stage of existential rebellion: becoming wine before being picked. On the bright side, local birds have reported a “surge in drunkenness” unseen since the infamous fermented blueberry fiasco of 2017.
Agricultural authorities have stepped in, promising to help as soon as someone explains to them the difference between a cherry and a tomato. Economic analysts predict a local pie shortage, prompting widespread panic baking and a run on Cool Whip.
Meanwhile, Bob remains optimistic. “Next year, we’re switching to plastic fruit,” he declared. “You can’t peel what you can’t rot.”
In unrelated news, cherries across the region have filed a class-action lawsuit against gravity for “unreasonable and unfair dropping.” Stay tuned for updates—if Bob’s Wi-Fi ever comes back.
By: TheJestPress.com
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