#Lebanon #Hezbollah #SatireNews #ArmyPlans #MiddleEastHumor
By: TheJestPress.com
**Lebanon Tells Army to Prepare Plan to Disarm Hezbollah; Army Responds by Googling “How to Disarm Hezbollah”**
In what experts are calling “remarkably ambitious” and “almost as bold as my uncle’s 2023 New Year’s resolution to actually use his gym membership,” the Lebanese government has officially instructed its army to come up with a plan to disarm Hezbollah by the end of the year. Sources say the government expects a “comprehensive and executable plan”— because if there’s anything Lebanon is known for right now, it’s comprehensive, executable plans.
Military officials immediately sprang into action, with the first phase reportedly involving a high-level brainstorming session that lasted twelve minutes before devolving into an argument over who had to clean the Nescafe machine. The second phase involved the entire officer corps gathering around a whiteboard and writing “Step 1: Ask Politely?” in large, hopeful letters.
“We considered approaching Hezbollah with cupcakes and a heartfelt plea,” said an army spokesperson with a nervous laugh. “But honestly, we’re just as likely to hear, ‘You first, bro.’”
Social media buzzed with ideas. One citizen suggested entering Hezbollah’s arsenal in Beirut’s traffic and waiting until everyone gave up and went home. Another proposed disguising Lebanon’s entire army as UN peacekeepers in the hope Hezbollah wouldn’t notice.
Not to be outdone, a senior government advisor suggested they turn the plan into a reality show: “Who Wants To Disarm a Militia?”—winner gets a free trip to Cyprus and lifetime supply of chamomile tea to calm the nerves.
By the afternoon, the army’s top brass released a statement: “We appreciate the confidence placed in us, and we’re confident we’ll deliver a plan just as soon as we finish reading all the clauses in the last hostage negotiation manual.”
As for comprehensive, executable plans—well, there’s always next year.
By: TheJestPress.com
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