#SupermanICE #DeanCain #ICEmanCometh #HonoraryAgent #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
In news that’s likely to make Lex Luthor sweat and undocumented aliens double-check their disguises, former TV Superman Dean Cain is set to be sworn in as an honorary ICE officer this week. The actor, once beloved for soaring through Metropolis on prime-time television, will now trade in his cape for a clipboard and badge — making him the first superhero to moonlight as a border official.
At a press conference outside an Arby’s somewhere in suburban Texas, Cain appeared dressed in a slightly-too-tight blue polo (still with the cape, just in case), and explained: “I’ve defeated villains, rescued Lois Lane 47 times, and now I’m ready for the real challenge: paperwork.” Cain went on to add, “ICE saw my work stopping criminals in spandex, so naturally I was the first call when they needed someone to stop crime in slacks.”
When asked if his famous X-ray vision will be of any use, Cain shrugged. “Honestly, all I can see now are my questionable career choices and the last piece of cake in every fridge.” Sources at ICE say the new honorary role involves “standing for photo ops, making puns about freezing things, and possibly flying in to break up awkward family reunions.”
Superman’s addition to the team has reportedly sent morale soaring among agents. One officer gushed, “Finally, someone who understands both immigration law and the complexities of wearing your underwear outside your pants.” Plans are already underway to commission a Superman-themed ICE van, complete with kryptonite-tinged sirens and paperwork written in Kryptonese.
Lois Lane could not be reached for comment, but inside sources say Superman will be strictly forbidden from removing any children from phone booths.
ICE is hopeful Cain’s honorary status will help their PR problems. Or at the very least, distract people with the thought of what happens if you try to deport someone who can leap tall fences in a single bound.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment