#Satire #GazaAid #WorldPeaceFail #CharityChronicles #NotHowThatWorks
By: TheJestPress.com
GAZA CITY — The Gaza Humanitarian Foundation, which bravely arrived last month with the goal of distributing aid, was shocked this week when their food truck was inexplicably mistaken for the world’s deadliest piñata.
Reports from the Kumbaya Relief charity’s spokesperson, Terry Peaceplus, say that the organization’s latest food shipment drop turned into what can only be described as “an unintentional reality reboot of The Hunger Games, but with less Jennifer Lawrence and more existential dread.”
“The Foundation’s promise to deliver ‘life-saving relief’ was meant to be metaphorical, not a weekly lottery of who gets a can of beans and who gets… well, trampled,” said Peaceplus, clutching a dented first-aid kit and a half-eaten protein bar.
Eyewitnesses claim the lines for aid were “longer than a Taylor Swift concert and about as composed, if Taylor Swift’s backup dancers were armed with self-doubt and existential angst.” Aid trucks, painted with big red hearts and “Peace & Chickpeas for All!” slogans, were reportedly surrounded by “an orchestra of chaos,” where each rice bag flung through the air was apparently accompanied by Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries.
The Humanitarian Foundation’s CEO, who immediately purchased stock in armored vehicle companies, defended the process, saying, “It’s not our fault the area’s more Son of Anarchy than Sesame Street. Maybe next time, we’ll launch the aid from helicopters with little parachutes, or better yet, use Amazon Prime Air. Surely drones have a hearts-and-minds feature.”
International observers agree that reducing humanitarian intervention to a scene resembling Black Friday at a haunted Walmart was probably not the intended result. UN mediators are reportedly trying to negotiate, begging everyone to “please queue nicely and take only what you need—unless you need it a lot, then, well, good luck.”
Next week: The Foundation will try distributing aid via zipline. If anyone has a spare insurance adjuster, please send immediately.
Leave a comment