#MuscleMadness #InstaGainsGoneWrong #FlexFluencers #WurstAbs #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
Intensive Social Media Exposure Turns Young German Athletes Into Full-Time Flexaholics
MUNICH – A groundbreaking* new study from the University of Abs-solutely Shredded has revealed that young German athletes exposed to intensive social media are now running higher risks of muscle dysmorphia—otherwise known as “Mirror-Disappointment Syndrome”—than at any other point in history, excluding the brief Hans & Franz decades of the late 1980s.
Researchers followed 300 amateur athletes whose lives revolve around both döner kebabs and deadlifts. After just six months of scrolling through endless Instagram fitness models, #sponsored protein shake chuggers, and TikTokers launching push-up challenges from ski lifts, 89% of the group confessed to feeling they were “softer than Bavarian pretzels left out overnight.”
One 18-year-old discus thrower, who goes by @WurstAbs online and IRL, lamented: “My actual muscle gains are so 2023. After seeing all those reels of flexing pseudo-Greeks, I feel like I should trade in my barbell for a Photoshop subscription.” His coach, Dieter “Der Diesel” Schmidt, now spends half of every practice deleting FaceTune apps from athletes’ phones.
Symptoms of this new age syndrome include obsessively comparing oneself to shredded avatars, shouting “Ich brauche mehr Lats!” (I need more lats!) every hour, and attempting to bulk by eating photos of other people’s abs.
Experts warn that if left untreated, this epidemic could lead to a wave of involuntary shirt removals at beer gardens and a nationwide shortage of avocado toast.
To combat the crisis, German officials are distributing paper bags to athletes for breathing exercises and providing a state-sponsored meme library of dad-bods, paunches, and real-life champions with the biceps of bratwurst.
“We want them to remember,” said one official, “it’s what’s *on* the inside of the protein shake that counts.”
*Research funded by the National Board of Sauerkraut and Premium Selfies.
By: TheJestPress.com
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