#GhislaineMaxwell #PrisonProblems #DogGoneIt #SatireNews #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
Scandal hit the pooch world at Alderson ‘Camp Cupcake’ Correctional Facility this Tuesday, after infamous socialite Ghislaine Maxwell was “uninvited” from the prison’s much-coveted Service Dog Training Program. Sources say it’s the first time in U.S. penal history that someone was deemed a “bad influence” on the actual dogs.
Correctional Officer Pam Barker explained, “We strive to create upstanding canine citizens here, and that cannot include stiff collars or friends in high places—or islands, for that matter.”
Maxwell, who once mingled with the global jet set, reportedly dreamed of commanding a pack of Labradors with the same effortless poise she used to organize… other social gatherings. However, prison authorities noticed something was off when her trainees began developing suspiciously posh British accents, requesting cucumber sandwiches and only responding to “Walkies, darling!”
Concerns escalated after Maxwell distributed “unofficial” copies of “The Socialite’s Guide to Fetching” among the hounds. “She tried to teach the dogs to only approach wealthy visitors. And when she started assigning her favorite poodle a personal assistant? That crossed a line,” revealed inmate Debbie R., who was reluctantly promoted to the role of doggy butler.
Prison psych experts feared Maxwell might use her “formidable networking skills” to organize the first canine-members-only club, with rumored plans for secret pawsh parties under the laundry room.
Animal rights advocates cheered the news. “Dogs deserve a chance at a better life. Not another scandal,” said ASPCA spokesperson Buster Barkington. “Besides, the Chihuahuas are already suspicious of any new friends with a Rolodex.”
Maxwell is reportedly taking up a new hobby: leading etiquette classes for the local squirrels. Prisoners and wildlife alike are advised to avoid all nuts for the time being.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment