#Satire #ImmigrationNews #ICE #NotTheOnion #GallowsHumor
By: TheJestPress.com
**ICE Announces Bold New Wellness Program: “Hanging in There” Takes Tragic Turn**
In a move that raised eyebrows, conjured side-eyes, and rocketed public trust to *unprecedented subterranean levels*, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced today that one of its detainees was found “hanging by the neck” in a facility—prompting the agency to clarify that their new “Hang in There!” mental wellness campaign was *never* meant to be taken literally.
“We’re always striving to support our detainees—even if our support is mostly by ignorance and gravity,” an unnamed ICE spokesperson told TheJestPress.com. “Frankly, we were shocked and saddened to learn that someone participated in solitary Extreme Yoga without proper supervision.”
Though the incident has drawn criticism from human rights organizations and anyone with a soul, ICE insists that their staff dutifully completed the requisite ‘glance through the window’ wellness checks, demonstrating their professional commitment to not noticing things unless directly tripping over them. “We train our officers to operate with both eyes open—though sometimes they blink for hours at a time for maximum effectiveness,” the spokesperson added.
Meanwhile, inside sources report the facility staff were seen vigorously dusting off the ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ folder while the official statement—copied and pasted from last year’s scandal—was being readied for prime time. “This is a tragedy, but rest assured it will be investigated by the same highly efficient process that keeps our vending machines refilled biannually,” the agency’s response read.
When pressed about wellness improvements, ICE is considering posters with slogans like “Don’t Let Go!” and seminars titled “Strap In, Not Up!” Several officials are rumored to have suggested motivational seminars led by inspirational speakers familiar with not dying in confinement—pending background checks and a compatible criminal record.
As always, ICE promises transparency. After all, sunlight is the best disinfectant—though for detainees, apparently, that’s as rare as compassion.
By: TheJestPress.com
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