#Satire #TechNews #Intel #China #Politics
By: TheJestPress.com
In an electrifying display of political theater this week, Intel CEO Lip-Bu Tan was summoned before a special subcommittee of the U.S. Senate and promptly interrogated by Senator Byron “Buzzsaw” Pennypacker (R-Confusion), who, after confusing TikTok with Tic Tac mints, grilled Tan on Intel’s mysterious “investments” in China.
“Mr. Tan,” Pennypacker began, dramatically flipping through a stack of blank printer paper, “the American people demand to know: exactly how many microchips are you dumping into the Yangtze River? And does this relate to why my Samsung microwave starts speaking Mandarin after 10 p.m.?”
Tan, clutching a coffee cup labeled “Definitely Not Bugged,” attempted to explain that Intel’s international investments simply comply with global market demand. But before he could elaborate, Senator Pennypacker whipped out what he called “exhibit A”—a circuit board retrieved from his nephew’s toy drone, which he insisted was sending selfies directly to the Chinese Ministry of Fun.
“Are you aware, Mr. Tan, that China has the world’s highest per capita number of computers per panda?” the senator pressed. “What do you say to allegations you’re building a microchip so powerful, it might unseat the U.S. Senate’s record for least productive binary decision-making?”
Tan, clearly searching for an emergency exit, replied, “Um, we just make processors, sir.”
Senator Pennypacker concluded the session by accidentally closing his laptop with a slice of pizza still inside and calling for a nationwide ban on “anything with a microchip, except my smart fridge.”
Intel’s stock reportedly rose three percent after analysts concluded that, compared to Congress, even artificial intelligence looks innocent.
By: TheJestPress.com
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