#Satire #CrimeNews #StalkerProblems #JustifiedArrest #PlotTwist
By: TheJestPress.com
**Stalker Arrested for Stalking, Shocked to Discover Stalking is Actually Illegal**
In what some are calling “the biggest plot twist since Luke found out about Darth Vader,” local man and full-time window-peeper Carl N. Withers was taken into custody last Thursday for what authorities are calling “textbook stalking.” Sources report that Withers, who listed “following people around” as one of his top three hobbies on LinkedIn, was shocked to discover that his favorite pastime has landed him on the business end of a restraining order.
“Wait, stalking is a *crime*?” Withers asked incredulously as he was led away in cuffs, adding that he thought his nightly shadowing was “just a unique way of networking.”
According to police, Withers’ stalking career was both ambitious and deeply misguided. He reportedly followed his favorite barista home, memorized her wifi password through her kitchen window, and sent her daily notes containing her own Spotify playlists, “as a fun surprise.” “I thought she’d appreciate how much we had in common,” Withers explained, pointing out that she loves security cameras almost as much as he does.
Neighbors report that seeing Withers lurking in various shrubbery was basically “just part of the ambiance,” and many were shocked to learn he wasn’t, in fact, some sort of friendly garden gnome.
Legal experts say this case may serve as a wake-up call for anyone confused about the finer nuances of criminal law. “Generally, if you have to hide behind a mailbox to do something, it’s probably not great,” said prosecutor Linda Blount.
When asked for further comment, Withers replied, “Honestly, I don’t think most people appreciate how difficult it is to maintain eye contact through binoculars. Stalking is a real art.”
The court has offered Withers a sample curriculum of less invasive hobbies, including birdwatching, gardening, and absolutely anything else.
By: TheJestPress.com
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