#Satire #NotGuilty #MinnesotaNews #LegalDrama #JestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
In a shocking twist that not even the writers of daytime soaps could have seen coming, local man Gary “It Wasn’t Me” Johnson pleaded not guilty this week to murder charges in connection with the tragic and totally not meme-worthy death of a Minnesota lawmaker. The courtroom drama was so thick, Judge Judy herself nearly kicked open the doors for a cameo.
Johnson, seen sporting a tie that screamed “Guilty in 47 states,” told the jury, “It’s all just a big misunderstanding. I was only in the vicinity of the lawmaker, holding a suspiciously heavy object, at exactly the wrong time. Who among us hasn’t done that?” Spectators nodded in agreement, recalling the many times they, too, found themselves accidentally framed for felonies while preparing sandwiches.
The defense lawyer, relying heavily on the “Spider-Man Meme Defense,” claimed, “Anyone could have done it. In fact, it might have been any of you,” while pointing at the jury, the prosecutor, and random people on Zoom.
Prosecutors, however, say they have irrefutable evidence: fingerprints, eyewitnesses, and a TikTok video in which Johnson yells, “Watch me kill a lawmaker for internet clout.” But Johnson’s legal team says the video is “deepfake at best, performance art at worst, and not compelling if you turn the sound off.”
Court artists struggled to capture the mood, as Johnson occasionally dabbed and flossed after each accusation, cementing his claim that he “has no idea what’s going on.” Law students have already started building entire semesters around the case, calling it “The O.J. for Gen Z.”
The trial is expected to last longer than Minnesota’s winter. Johnson, for his part, vows to stay positive: “At least I’m trending!” he exclaimed, moments before his lawyer reminded him to stop live-tweeting from the witness box.
Stay tuned as justice, or whatever passes for it these days, unfolds.
By: TheJestPress.com
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