#MaduroMadness #BountyHunterBoom #RewardRiches #DiplomacyDollarMenu #CashForCoup
By: TheJestPress.com
**US Increases Reward for Arresting Venezuela’s Maduro to $50 Million, Local Man’s GoFundMe Soars to $27**
Washington, D.C. — In a major statement to the world—and to anyone looking to pay off an egregious credit card balance—the U.S. government has officially doubled down on its extradition ambitions, increasing the reward for Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro to a whopping $50 million.
That’s right, folks. For the price of two New York apartments and one Taylor Swift ticket, you too could make history by bringing in a political leader with a penchant for mustaches and hyperinflation. “We realized $15 million just wasn’t turning enough heads,” said a White House spokesperson, scrolling eBay for luxury yachts. “We bumped it to 50 mil and already got three emails from international bounty hunters, one of whom is definitely not Dog the Bounty Hunter.”
Bounty-hunter interest is surging. Walter Jenkins of Sioux Falls, South Dakota, who “once watched a YouTube video on Venezuela,” immediately launched a GoFundMe titled “Get Me to Caracas.” As of press time, it had reached $27, mostly from his grandma, and she included a note: “Take a sandwich.”
Maduro himself responded to news of his price increase during a televised address, sipping coffee and stroking his mustache. “Apparently, I am now worth more than a season pass to Disney World,” he boasted. “Who’s the Mickey Mouse now, Mr. Biden?”
Meanwhile, the international community is scrambling to understand the exchange rate for dictators. “Will my store match this price if we find someone cheaper?” inquired one European Union ambassador.
Regardless, Americans are already brainstorming ways to spend their hypothetical reward. Most say they’d pay off student loans; the rest say they’d buy gold-plated avocados. One optimistic teenager tweeted, “If I DM Maduro, do I get at least $500?”
The world waits to see whose LinkedIn profile will soon read “freelance regime catcher.” Stay tuned—and maybe check your backyard.
By: TheJestPress.com
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