#Satire #MaineNews #ICE #PoliceGoneWild #OnlyInAmerica
By: TheJestPress.com
AUGUSTA, ME — In an unprecedented turn of bureaucratic Uno reverse cards, a Maine police officer has agreed to voluntarily leave the United States after being detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) for “looking a little too foreign at the annual Lobster Roll Cook-off.”
Officer Gus McFlannel, a decorated member of the Bangor Police Department, was reportedly enjoying his third whoopie pie when ICE agents swarmed the festival. “They said his accent sounded suspiciously Canadian after he pronounced ‘about’ as ‘aboot,’” witnesses reported. “That’s all it took.”
Upon being apprehended, Officer McFlannel attempted to show his badge. ICE agents, however, countered with their highly classified “No, you” protocol, immediately detaining him for “officer impersonation” and “alleged use of poutine.”
In a later press conference held from the holding room of an undisclosed ICE facility (decorated in complimentary moose wallpaper), McFlannel announced his decision. “Look, I’ve dealt with enough paperwork as a police officer. I’m not getting into a whole immigration case. I’ll just leave.”
His attorney revealed that McFlannel is considering resettlement in either Quebec (“they owe me for all that maple syrup I bought”) or Florida (“for the scenes, ya know, and the crocs”).
ICE released a statement applauding McFlannel’s “willingness to cooperate, and excellent commitment to voluntary deportation for anyone caught pronouncing ‘car’ as ‘cah.’”
Meanwhile, Bangor Police Department has posted a job opening: “Wanted: New Officer. Must pass background check, love donuts, and pronounce vowels like an American.”
Sources close to the incident claim that several other officers are now practicing their best Boston accents in front of mirrors, just in case ICE swings by for a surprise “How American Are You?” quiz.
Stay tuned for next week, when the ICE office hosts a training on “Identifying Out-Of-State Plates Without Causing An International Incident.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment