#OhNoEh #BlameTheBagels #CanadaDryHumor #MapleSyrupBorder #ReturnToSender
By: TheJestPress.com
OTTAWA—In breaking news that has U.S. border staff sighing with nostalgia and dusting off their forgotten “Welcome Back” banners, official data reveals a fresh dip in return trips from the United States to Canada this July. Canadians, it seems, have collectively decided that south of the border is so *last decade*.
“It’s not that we don’t love a good outlet mall or a slightly cheaper gas fill-up,” said Lindsay Tremblay, a seasoned border-crosser and owner of three different Tim Hortons travel mugs. “But when I remembered all my money now looks like Monopoly cash after conversion, well, I just stayed home and had a Caesar instead.”
Travel agencies confirm a surge in staycation bookings, cottage rentals, and competitive poutine-eating leagues in Toronto. The classic cross-border run for Target’s ‘exclusive’ Christmas decor is now replaced by braving Canadian Tire for LEDs and hoping last year’s string still works. Meanwhile, Buffalo’s entire economy now hinges on two suburban moms from Winnipeg who enjoy Chili’s “for the atmosphere.”
U.S. tourism officials are panicking. “We put up a moose crossing sign in upstate New York—no dice,” lamented Andy Johnson, who oversees ‘Operation Please Come Back, Eh?’ “We even launched ‘Buy One Gas, Get One Free Taco!’ Sad to say, the Canucks just weren’t biting.”
On Facebook, local groups offer sage wisdom: “Second cousin Karen got a sunburn in Florida and blames the American sun. Can’t trust it.” Another thread discounts U.S. snacks as “not worth exchanging loonies for something called ‘Cheez Whiz.’”
With July’s return-trip downturn, experts fear Canadians may soon forget how to say “Thanks, I’ll have the ranch on the side” in an American accent. But as long as maple syrup runs and Timmies is open, experts agree, our Southern neighbors may have to get used to the silence north of the border.
By: TheJestPress.com
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