#SwiftJustice #Ticketgate #FTCvsScalpers #ErasTourTrouble #ShakeItOffScammers
By: TheJestPress.com
In a legal move as dramatic as a surprise album drop, the Federal Trade Commission announced Wednesday that it is suing infamous ticket reseller group Scalperinos R Us for allegedly sneaking more Taylor Swift Eras Tour tickets than should be physically possible for a human—or bot.
According to the FTC, Scalperinos R Us members used an arsenal of state-of-the-art technologies, including hundreds of burner phones, AI-powered credit cards, and a “secret Swiftie handshake” (that insiders say is just jazz hands while crying) to purchase the same tickets over and over—even after Ticketmaster’s 17th “are you a robot?” check.
FTC Chairperson Lina K. Swift (no confirmed relation) issued a stern warning: “No one is above the law, except maybe Taylor herself. But certainly not these guys. If we let this slide, next year they’ll buy up all the parking spots at Coachella and auction those off, too.”
Scalperinos R Us released a statement through their publicist, DJ Spamalot, insisting it was all a misunderstanding. “We just really, REALLY wanted to relive the magic of the Eras tour. Is twelve front-row seats per concert too much to ask? Also, have you tried the nachos in Section 102?”
Meanwhile, millions of Swifties celebrated the lawsuit by dressing in sequined pajamas and chanting “FTC, save some seats for me!” outside their local courthouses. When reached for comment, Ticketmaster issued a written response printed on shredded concert wristbands: “We are shocked to learn people resell tickets. Next you’ll tell us there’s sarcasm on the internet.”
The FTC says it will not rest until every Swiftie has a fair chance at a ticket—or until Ticketmaster’s servers stop spontaneously combusting every presale.
By: TheJestPress.com
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