#Satire #StudentVisas #USStateDepartment #InternationalStudents #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**US State Department Revokes 6,000 Student Visas, Claims Students “Weren’t Sure What A W-2 Was Anyway”**
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning move that experts are calling “probably not on the syllabus,” the US State Department announced Wednesday that it has revoked 6,000 student visas. Officials maintain this bold action is designed to “protect America’s ancient tradition of completely misunderstanding the metric system.”
When asked for comment, an anonymous State Department spokesperson explained, “You should have seen the faces during our surprise quiz on filing taxes, properly explaining ‘football,’ and distinguishing between ‘literally’ and ‘figuratively.’ Frankly, it was not pretty.”
The Department further cited national security concerns. “We’re not saying these students are spies,” clarified another unnamed source, “but one of them called The Cheesecake Factory ‘quaint.’ That level of suspicious sophistication can’t go unchecked.”
Universities across the country have been thrown into disarray, with some professors reporting historic attendance. “My 8:00 a.m. class had everyone on time today,” said Dr. Linda Brooks of The University of Kansas. “At first, I thought I was dreaming. Turns out, half the class was hoping I’d hand out emergency citizenship forms instead of a syllabus.”
Student organizations are fighting back, launching a TikTok campaign using the hashtag #LetUsInPlz. One international student, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “They told me to pack only what I could carry. So now I just have a calculus textbook, five chargers, and a hoodie that says ‘Harvard’ even though I go to Purdue.”
Meanwhile, the State Department is reminding students not to panic and to please return their borrowed American values on the way out. “And don’t forget to rate us on ‘StudyAbroadAdvisor.gov!’” chirped one official. “One star means ‘I’d definitely come back, but maybe by raft.’”
By: TheJestPress.com
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