#satire #JusticeForSome #IronyCounty #WhosProtectingUs #NotAllDeputies
By: TheJestPress.com
**Woman Shocked to Learn Local Prosecutors Believe Sheriff’s Badge Doubles as Get Out of Jail Free Card**
IRON COUNTY—A local woman says she’s learned the hard way that in Iron County, justice is apparently measured in ounces of sheriff’s stubble and the reflectiveness of a badge. Last week, she accused a Sheriff’s deputy of sexually assaulting her—only to watch, slack-jawed, as county prosecutors circled their official wagons around the deputy like a support group for misplaced trust.
“I thought the law protected citizens,” the woman stated, brushing imaginary dust off the faded remnants of her faith in the legal system. “I didn’t realize the law was more about, ‘Protect and Serve… Each Other.’”
Prosecutors explained that after a rigorous investigation—consisting mostly of high-fives and a casual glance at the deputy’s Facebook photos—they determined, in legal terms, that “Bros Before Does.” Their official release also cited the time-honored argument: “He seems like a nice guy; wouldn’t hurt a fly. Flies, as we all know, are people too.”
The Iron County Sheriff’s Department responded to demands for accountability by immediately issuing a mandatory seminar on “How Not to Get Caught (Allegedly),” followed by a morale-boosting team barbecue. All deputies were instructed to practice their “solemnly swearing they didn’t do it” faces in the mirror.
“We take these allegations seriously,” said a spokesperson, “and we’ll be sure to take a group photo for social media right after sweeping this under several rugs, three courthouse benches, and a stack of unpaid parking tickets.”
Citizens are encouraged to report any future crimes—including excessive optimism regarding the justice system—directly into a suggestion box at the bottom of the county landfill.
For more developments on this story, The Jest Press will be closely monitoring any flying pigs or sudden surges of chicken teeth in Iron County.
By: TheJestPress.com
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