#YosemiteGate #FlagFiasco #TransRights #SatireNews #ParkProblems
By: TheJestPress.com
YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK — In what experts are calling the “Most Talked About Hanging Since That Bear Got Stuck in a Hammock,” Yosemite Park officials today confirmed the firing of a park ranger for displaying a transgender flag next to the iconic Half Dome—sparking fierce debate, impromptu poetry slams, and several deeply confused squirrels.
Eyewitnesses report Ranger Alex “Call-Me-Maple” Thomson’s bold move left traditionalists reeling and some hikers convinced they had discovered a rare “Transgender Waterfall.” One visitor, still clutching his “I Hiked Half Dome And All I Got Was This Existential Crisis” T-shirt, lamented, “I just wanted a photo with El Capitan. Now my kids think it’s a new Pride Mountain.”
Yosemite administration immediately took swift action, citing the “National Banners and Brochures Act of 1842,” an obscure rule clearly created by someone whose most avant-garde move was switching from beige to khaki socks. “Flags are strictly limited to American, Californian, and—on Arbor Day—the unofficial pinecone banner,” declared head ranger Doug Barkley, giving absolutely no indication that he might be a Spaghetti Monster truther.
But the saga doesn’t end there. Park officials warn that any visitors who so much as sneak a pride sticker onto a squirrel or build a rainbow-colored cairn risk prosecution. Threats include exile to Death Valley, forced listening to unabridged Ansel Adams lectures, or a lifetime ban from posting on Yosemite’s MySpace page.
As for Ranger Maple? She’s been sighted leading “Wildflower Liberation Hikes” outside the park, handing out pamphlets on “How To Identify Oppressive Trees.” Supporters are staging “Transcendental Meditation Sit-Ins” at the gift shop.
Meanwhile, Yosemite has launched a new slogan: “Come For The Nature, Stay For The Outdated Policies.” Visitors are encouraged to bring their own flags—just please, make sure they’re printed in sepia.
By: TheJestPress.com
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