#AgeIsJustANumber #StillYoungerThanMyWiFi #CentenarianGoals #QueenSentAnotherCard #SeniorSecrets
By: TheJestPress.com
In stunning news that’s made both history and dentures chatter around the globe, British centenarian Edna “the Indestructible” Worthington celebrated her jaw-dropping 116th birthday on Tuesday by doing what she’s done best for over a century: not dying.
When asked the secret to her remarkable longevity, Edna replied, “Always keep a biscuit in your handbag, never trust a government, and avoid TikTok. Honestly, I believe TikTok is what did in most of my contemporaries.”
The Queen, who reportedly has writer’s cramp from signing so many birthday cards to Edna, sent her 16th congratulatory note, saying, “At this rate, I’ll be out of stationary before Edna runs out of birthdays.”
Onlookers marveled as Edna blew out her candles with a single breath, which immediately returned as British weather. When told that she’s now old enough to have outlived two World Wars, the invention of the Internet, and “Cats: The Musical,” she shrugged and said, “Back in my day, WiFi was just asking the neighbor for sugar.”
Edna’s family showered her with gifts, including extra-strength tea bags, a lifetime subscription to the Weather Channel (“just in case she’s still around in 2090”), and a voucher for a “Free Skateboarding Lesson,” which she accepted on the condition that the skateboard came with a teapot holder.
Experts are baffled by Edna’s resilience, especially considering she claims to have survived on a diet of scones, marmalade, and “mild gossip.” Researchers have now begun studying Edna’s DNA, convinced she is, in fact, only 15% water and 85% stubbornness.
As Edna cut into her birthday cake, she paused to give her final words for the day: “If you want to get to my age, avoid politicians and never say no to pudding.”
Happy 116th, Edna. May we all one day be blessed with your secret stash of biscuits—and your longevity.
By: TheJestPress.com
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