#EpsteinFiles #UnsealTheDeal #JusticeForSecrets #CourtroomComedy #TransparencyWho
By: TheJestPress.com
Breaking: In a move that absolutely no one had on their 2024 “Transparency Bingo Card,” a federal judge has just denied the Justice Department’s humble request to unseal the grand jury transcripts from the late Jeffrey Epstein’s criminal proceedings. Courtroom observers say the request was about as welcomed as a cockroach at a five-star restaurant.
When the Justice Department pleaded that transparency was critical for public trust, the judge reportedly replied, “If I wanted public trust, I’d switch to accounting.” The judge then reminded government lawyers that grand juries are supposed to be as secretive as the Colonel’s chicken recipe—and, apparently, five times as greasy.
Legal analysts have applauded the move, noting that unsealing the transcripts could set a dangerous precedent for future millionaires who need their secrets held tighter than a billionaire’s handshake. “If we start unsealing grand jury records now, where does it end?” lamented one defense attorney, clutching his non-disclosure agreement to his chest.
The public, of course, was shocked—shocked!—to learn that justice has opted for discretion once again. “I demand to know what I already suspect!” said local conspiracy theorist Rhonda Biggers. “How am I supposed to make wild, unfounded accusations without official documents? This is simply unfair.”
Meanwhile, the DOJ has vowed to keep fighting for transparency, while simultaneously keeping their own FOIA rejection rubber stamp in mint condition.
So for now, the Epstein transcripts will remain under tighter wraps than a fast food secret menu item, ensuring that the public’s appetite for truth remains tragically unsatisfied.
Stay tuned as we continue to follow this story, which is definitely not going anywhere.
By: TheJestPress.com
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