#UNCProtest #HistoryRepeats #ScholarshipScandal #SatireNews #FullRideFiasco
By: TheJestPress.com
**UNC Grad’s Scholarship Suspended 50 Years After Protest, Fears It’ll Get Suspended Again Any Minute Now**
Chapel Hill, NC – In a shocking display of university efficiency, University of North Carolina administrators have suspended the full-ride scholarship of UNC alumnus Marvin Farthington—fifty years after he joined a campus protest in 1974.
Farthington, now 71, says he was surprised to receive a notice from UNC’s Office of Retroactive Scholarship Consequences (a department created during the “Back to the Future” budget surplus of 2023). “They said due to my involvement in the ‘Students for the Right to Dismantle the Cafeteria Salad Bar’ march, my scholarship is now ‘under review,’” Marvin explained from the comfort of his recliner, still decorated with a faint tie-dye motif.
When Farthington called for clarification, an earnest university spokesperson said, “Our commitment to accountability is timeless. If you break the rules, there’s simply no statute of limitations…unless you donate a building.”
In a cruel twist, Farthington worries history may continue to repeat itself. “With protests heating up on campus these days, I’m afraid they’ll figure out I was also at the ‘Ban the Flip-Flop’ sit-in of ’75,” he whispered, glancing around nervously as if expecting a campus bureaucrat to leap from behind his fern.
When asked if he was worried about repaying his decades-old tuition, Farthington replied, “Honestly, if they want their $700 from 1974, they’re welcome to fight me for it. Just don’t take my alumni bumper sticker away!”
Meanwhile, UNC is reportedly considering hiring time-travelers for its next round of scholarship audits, and Farthington is brushing up on protest songs—just in case he’s asked to join the “Give Peace a Second Chance” rally in 2074.
Sources say the salad bar has still not recovered.
By: TheJestPress.com
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