#Satire #FBI #JohnBolton #BreakingNews #SurpriseSweep
By: TheJestPress.com
**FBI Searches John Bolton’s Home, Discovers An Entire Ecosystem of Mustaches**
In a move that shocked exactly seven people, FBI agents executed a search of former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s home earlier this week, citing “national security interests and the irresistible allure of novelty mustache combs,” anonymous sources say.
Neighbors reported an unusual scene at precisely 6:00 A.M. “There were about fifteen vans with reinforced bumpers parked outside,” said Mrs. Gladys Pooler, Bolton’s next-door neighbor, “and a single trail of white bristles leading to the porch.” Eyewitnesses claim agents donned special protective gear, including Flak jackets, noise-canceling headphones, and “Anti-Walrus” goggles.
While the official reason for the search remains under wraps, one agent—speaking on condition of anonymity—whispered, “We were tipped off about a secret chamber filled exclusively with George Orwell first editions and old Cold War memorabilia.”
Once inside, agents reportedly uncovered:
– 368 classified napkin doodles, mainly consisting of missiles smiling passive-aggressively.
– Three unopened jars labeled: ‘Essence of Pugnacity.’
– The world’s largest comb, engraved with the slogan: “For Emergency Grooming Only.”
– A bunker wallpapered in articles about mustache care.
What truly startled investigators, however, was the secret ecosystem painstakingly cultivated beneath Bolton’s living room rug. “It was like Jurassic Park, but with mustaches,” said FBI Agent Rock Landers. “There were long ones, short ones, handlebar species we thought extinct… It was beautiful, honestly.”
Agents left hours later, lugging several boxes labeled “Misc. World Domination,” and Bolton’s infamous reading glasses, which, according to legend, grant the wearer the ability to spot Soviet submarines from space.
In a brief response, Bolton called the search “an outrageous violation of my personal faculties and facial follicles,” vowing to “mobilize all available mustaches in his defense.”
The FBI declined to comment further but reminded the public to report any suspicious mustache movements in their area.
By: TheJestPress.com
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