#EpsteinWho #MemoryLossMuch #SecretsKept #NoNamesPlease #EliteClub
By: TheJestPress.com
In what some are calling “the world’s least productive coffee date,” sources revealed today that Ghislaine Maxwell, former socialite and full-time avoider of eye contact, provided absolutely zero incriminating information to the Deputy Attorney General during a series of high-stakes meetings. Despite fervent hopes from conspiracy theorists and bored internet sleuths everywhere, Maxwell delivered nothing but polite nods, generic advice about sunscreen on private islands, and an extremely thorough review of biscuit options for the meeting refreshments.
Deputy AG staffers, who showed up to the meetings armed with notepads, pens, and hopes for a juicy tell-all, returned to the DOJ empty-handed and emotionally spent. According to one anonymous intern, “She just kept saying things like, ‘I meet lots of people’ and ‘Can we talk about the weather instead?’ I’m pretty sure she listed ‘Mr. Rotisserie Chicken’ and ‘Mrs. Tupperware’ as frequent Epstein guests.”
When pressed about her countless social gatherings with high-profile individuals—ranging from ex-presidents to slightly famous magicians—sources say Maxwell’s only disclosure was a carefully worded response: “Sorry, I didn’t catch their names. I’m more of a faces person.”
Legal analysts are mystified, noting this level of information management usually only appears at celebrity plastic surgery clinics. “It takes talent to maintain amnesia across this many lunch dates,” remarked case follower Linda Theory. “Watergate was unraveled with less effort.”
In response, citizens are now encouraged to keep a close eye on upcoming Netflix dramas, where apparently more revelations are expected than in the federal proceedings. Meanwhile, Maxwell is rumored to be launching a masterclass in selective memory, with special guest lectures from other notable “people-you-may-have-met-once-but-can’t-recall.”
So, as the world waits for answers, one thing is certain: the biscuit selection has never been more scrutinized.
By: TheJestPress.com
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