#Hashtags: #UncleSamInside #MooreLawIsGovernment #SiliconBureaucracy #ChipOnTheHill #MakingItOfficial
By: TheJestPress.com
In a bold move to finally keep up with 8th graders hacking their Chromebooks, the United States government announced it has purchased a 10% stake in Intel for the low, low price of $8.9 billion. Rumors suggest the Treasury Secretary paid using an old Dell laptop, three F-35s, and a half-used Starbucks gift card.
The strategic investment will apparently help the US “secure our economic future and guarantee we always have priority on graphics cards during Black Friday.” Forget Social Security – the real retirement plan is holding onto Intel stock until TikTok is purchased by the FDA.
“We just wanted to be able to say ‘Intel Inside’ without being charged for copyright,” explained a government spokesperson. “Plus, we heard the military was still trying to run Windows XP on their tanks. This partnership might finally get them to Windows 7.”
To celebrate, President Biden attempted to overclock a Pentium chip live on C-SPAN, which experts say finally explains why the White House smelled like burnt ozone yesterday. Meanwhile, Intel has agreed to pre-install Clippy as a government minders on all future chips, ensuring that national secrets like Area 51’s wireless password and the First Lady’s secret chili recipe stay safe from prying eyes.
Analysts on Wall Street shrugged and immediately tried to figure out if buying 10% of NVIDIA would make everyone in Congress look better on Zoom calls. Meanwhile, members of Congress have started bragging about their new “stock portfolios,” which now consist of 50% Intel shares and 50% commemorative state quarters.
Industry insiders say the move could spark more public-private partnerships, with Apple rumored to be selling the Pentagon 8% of its iCloud storage for $49 billion in Apple Store gift cards.
You heard it here first: “Ask not what your chipset can do for you; ask what you can do for your chipset.”
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