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Bitcoin’s Price Logic Finally Explains Itself, Shocks Absolutely No One
#CryptoWisdom #CuttingEdgeFinance #BreakingNooze #SatireNews #BitcoinLogic By: TheJestPress.com In a groundbreaking report that has shaken the very foundation of 14-year-old day traders everywhere, Citi analysts revealed Monday that Bitcoin’s price will increase if people buy…
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Matthew Lawrence Plots AI Revival of Robin Williams, Robots Brace Themselves
#RobinReboot #AIResurrection #JumanjiGPT #LawrenceLabs #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com In a revelation that’s left both Hollywood and sentient toasters trembling, actor Matthew Lawrence announced his latest dream project: bringing the legendary Robin Williams back to life…
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Ukraine President Passes Anti-Corruption Bill, Protests and EU Unimpressed
#CorruptionCrusade #ZelenskyZings #ParliamentPanic #EuroDrama #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com KYIV — In a dazzling display of democracy, entertainment, and well-practiced sighing, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has unveiled his latest anti-corruption bill to parliament, igniting widespread protests,…
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Undocumented and Unvaccinated: How COVID Turned Status Into a Grim Reaper
#ImmigrantHealth #SatireNews #PublicHealthHumor #PandemicFunnies #EqualOpportunityGerms **By: TheJestPress.com** *Study Finds COVID-19 Virus Completely Ignorant of Immigration Status, Politicians Impressed* A shocking new study out of California has revealed that, during the COVID-19 pandemic, immigrants—especially those…
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Women’s Safety App Leaks IDs, 4chan Celebrates Internet Treasure Hunt
#DatingAppFail #PrivacyNotFound #WomenOnline #4chanChaos #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com In an absolutely shocking turn of events that surprised exactly zero internet users, a newly launched women’s dating safety app, “SafeBouquet,” has allegedly fulfilled its wildest nightmare:…
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Trump Urges Israel to “Wrap It Up” in Middle East Cleanup
#Satire #TrumpAdvice #InternationalPolitics #MideastHotTakes #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a breaking international development that no one asked for, former President Donald J. Trump emerged from his world-renowned pancake buffet this morning to…
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Asteroid Spares Earth, Decides Moon Needs a Cosmic Smackdown Instead
#AsteroidDrama #NotTheMoon #EarthSighsInRelief #LunarInsurance #SpaceNews By: TheJestPress.com **Asteroid Declines Earthly Destruction, Moon Braces for Unscheduled “Facial”** In what experts are calling “the greatest miss since your dad tried to fry an egg without a…
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Cows Demand Detour as Itchy Outbreak Takes Over Tour de France
#TourdeFrance #CyclingNews #CattleCrisis #UdderlyRidiculous #BovineBlockade By: TheJestPress.com Tour de France organizers today announced an urgent, udderly unprecedented change to this year’s legendary cycling route after a massive outbreak of cattle dermatitis left swathes of…
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Science Journal Deletes Bizarre Life Form Study, Authors Demand Alien Rights
#ScienceScandal #JournalDrama #StrangeLifeForms #RetractedStudy #PeerReviewGoneWild By: TheJestPress.com In a bold move that has rocked the world of academic publishing—and left speculative fiction writers fuming—a prominent science journal has pulled a controversial study about a…
