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Judge Keeps Epstein Transcripts Hidden, Probably Scribbled Funny Doodles Instead
#EpsteinFiles #SealedForAges #JusticeIsBlindfolded #NothingToSeeHere #TotallyNotSuspicious **By: TheJestPress.com** In a move that surprised exactly zero people and made tinfoil hat sales skyrocket, a US judge on Wednesday officially rejected a bid to unseal grand jury…
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New Tattoos Sniff Spiked Drinks Because Your Taste Buds Are Too Nice
#DrinkSafeInk #PartyScience #TattooYouSafe #SpikingAwareness #NightlifeInnovation By: TheJestPress.com In a stunning breakthrough that combines the cutting-edge sciences of chemistry, dermatology, and regrettable tramp stamps, researchers have unveiled temporary tattoos that can detect if your drink…
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Man Cheats Death Seven Times, Finally Wins Lottery Jackpot and Brags
#LuckiestManAlive #LotteryWinner #DeathDefier #SatireNews #FortunateFool By: TheJestPress.com **Man Wins $1 Million Lottery After Escaping Death Seven Times, Death Reschedules Appointment** In this week’s edition of “Not This Guy Again,” local man Frank Fowler, 47,…
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Congress Perfects Vanishing Act as Deadlines Pass Like Ghosts
#CongressionalCountdown #ChecksAndImbalance #PowerOutage #DeadlineBlues #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation sits breathlessly on the edge of a looming government shutdown in exactly 41 days, Congress has again displayed its mastery at delegating, procrastinating,…
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EPA Tosses Climate Rulebook, Leaves Science Standing in Confused Corner
#ClimateClownShow #RollingCoalWins #EpicPolicyReversal #EPAwut #CarbonComedy By: TheJestPress.com **EPA to Withdraw Foundation of Greenhouse Gas Rules, Because Apparently Oxygen Needed a Challenge** In a stunning move applauded by coal lobbyists and confused grandmothers everywhere, sources…
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Goodbye Metformin, Hello Brain Boosting Diabetes Drugs Stealing the Spotlight
#OzempicYourMind #WegovyWonders #MetforminMalaise #MemoryMedications #SatireScience By: TheJestPress.com **Ozempic: Now Better Than Forgetting Where You Left Your Car** In a groundbreaking development that’s sure to shake medicine and the memory-impaired alike, a new supersized study…
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Crypto Kidnappers Release Victim After Disappointing Digital Wallet Haul
#CryptoFail #RansomRegret #HeistGoneWrong #DigitalDisappointment #EpicLetdown By: TheJestPress.com In a bewildering turn of events, the notorious hacker collective “Pixel Predators” abruptly released their hostage Tuesday morning after discovering his digital wallet contained a staggering £6.71—roughly…
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US Funds Contraceptives to Be Burned in France, World Left Guessing
#ContraceptionInferno #BonfireOfTheBirthControls #GlobalAid #FranceOnFire #Satire By: TheJestPress.com In a move that has truly put the “flame” in reproductive infamy, French authorities have reportedly agreed to incinerate thousands of tons of US-funded contraceptives originally intended…
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Man’s DIY Explosives Hobby Causes Bridge and Roofs to Seek Therapy
#DIYGoneWrong #ManhattanMayhem #ExplosivePersonality #BridgesBeware #NotByTheBook By: TheJestPress.com **Brooklyn, NY**—In what authorities have generously dubbed “a new kind of bridge and tunnel enthusiast,” local man Clark Z. Fiddleson was indicted Tuesday for allegedly constructing improvised…
