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Americans Demand Diverse Society, Except That One Guy Holding Out Alone
#DiversityWins #MeltingPotMadness #PatchworkPatriots #ReligiousRainbow #OneLoveUSA By: TheJestPress.com According to a new poll that absolutely definitely did not come from a fortune cookie, most Americans would rather live in an America full of diverse faces,…
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Yale Professor’s Shocking Retirement Plan Shakes Japan’s Seniors to Core
#ElderlyRights #AcademiaGoneWild #JapanNews #BadAdvice #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com **Yale Professor Suggests Old People in Japan Should Commit Mass Suicide—Enrollment in University’s Philosophy Class Plummets** In what many are calling “the world’s worst retirement plan,” a…
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US Accidentally Reunites Madrid Triple Homicide Suspect with Political Prisoners
#USDiplomacy #PoliticalPrisoners #MadridMysteries #NotAllHeroes #InternationalFacePalm By: TheJestPress.com **Madrid Murderer Mistakenly Dubbed “Political Prisoner,” Relocated to Freedom & Confusion** In truly bipartisan gesture—meaning both parties are equally confused and slightly horrified—the U.S. government this week…
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Ozzy’s Final Midnight: Bat-Free Forever at 76
#BlackSabbath #OzzyOsbourne #HeavyMetal #RockNRollHeaven #SatireNews **Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath Frontman and Icon of British Heavy Metal, Dies Aged 76: Reports of Bats Everywhere Rejoicing** By: TheJestPress.com The world paused, headbanged, and then forgot what…
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Doctors Blamed After Surgery Turns Into Deadly Game of Musical Bingo
#MusicMalpractice #BingoGoneWrong #SurgicalSoundtrack #CourtroomKaraoke #NotSoLuckyNumbers By: TheJestPress.com In a lawsuit that has the medical and musical communities in disbelief—and mixing up their playlists—a local family is suing St. Minor’s Hospital after surgery went off-key…
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Einstein’s Cat Proves Time Dilation Also Affects Naptime Universally
#SchrodingersEinstein #TimeTravelingTabby #QuantumConfusion #RelativityRiot #FelinePhysics By: TheJestPress.com In a move guaranteed to send both physicists and cat lovers scrambling for their notebooks, scientists at the not-yet-accredited Institute of Advanced Hypotheticals have unveiled Einstein’s Cat—a…
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Indian Army Finally Gets Apache Helicopters to Hunt Down Missing Socks
#Satire #ApacheAttack #IndianArmy #TopGunIndia #DefenseDeals By: TheJestPress.com **Indian Army Receives Apache Helicopters, Ready for In-Flight Chai Service and Thunderous WhatsApp Forwards** In a move that has left both its rivals and aviation enthusiasts mildly…
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Ex-Cop’s 33-Month Staycation: Justice or Extended Timeout for Breonna Case?
#JusticeServed #33MonthsOfChange #SatireNews #BreonnaTaylor #WeakSentences By: TheJestPress.com **U.S. Judge Sentences Ex-Police Officer In Breonna Taylor Case to 33 Months, Hopes Everyone Forgets By Lunch** In a bold move to demonstrate the ironclad strength of…
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Sky NZ Scores $1 Steal for WBD Channels, Everyone Still Confused
#SkyNZ #WBDDeal #OneDollarWonder #SatireNews #NZMedia By: TheJestPress.com **Sky NZ Strikes $1 Deal for WBD’s Channels, Beans Now Considered Overpriced** AUCKLAND – In perhaps the most jaw-dropping business deal since someone decided VHS was the…
