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Texas Flood Count Drops to Three, Officials Blame Overzealous Weather Reports
#Texas #FloodUpdate #MissingPersonsMath #NewsSatire #CountingIsHard By: TheJestPress.com AUSTIN, TX – After days of speculation and the wildest estimates outside of a jellybean-counting contest, Texas officials have triumphantly announced a revision in the number of…
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US Firms Rush to Mastermind Syria’s Oil, Gas, and Power Revival
#BreakingNews #SyrianEnergy #BusinessBoom #TrumpDidItAgain #Satire By: TheJestPress.com **US Firms Rushing to “Liberate” Syrian Oil From Boredom After Trump Lifts Sanctions** WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking — yet completely predictable — turn of events,…
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Undocumented Woman’s Fake ICE Kidnapping Sparks Donation Frenzy, DOJ Reveals
#Satire #FakeKidnap #ICEscapade #GoFraudMe #DOJNews By: TheJestPress.com **Undocumented Woman “Kidnapped” by Imaginary ICE Agents, Survives on Thoughts, Prayers, and Venmo Donations** In an audacious bid for both freedom and fiscal stimulus, an undocumented woman…
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Dogs Fail Social Smarts Test: Kindness or Cruelty, Same Tail Wag
#NotSoGoodBoi #PawsitiveIndifference #DoggyJudgementDay #ScienceFetchesTruth #SitStayIgnore By: TheJestPress.com In a groundbreaking revelation that has left dog owners everywhere questioning those puppy-eyed stares, new research suggests that our canine companions might not be the master social…
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Kum & Go Turns Maverik: Iowa’s Gas Stations Level Up or Slide Down?
#KumAndGone #MaverikMakeover #IowaNews #RebrandingBlues #GasStationGags By: TheJestPress.com **Kum & Go Forced to Rebrand as Maverik, Iowans Mourn Loss of Favorite Punchline** In a move that has left Iowans both confused and deeply nostalgic, beloved…
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Anti-Woke Dad Escapes to Russia, Immediately Regrets War Zone Relocation
#satire #news #Russia #wokewars #dadventures By: TheJestPress.com **Anti-Woke Dad Who Fled With Family to Russia Sent to War Zone** In what many are calling a twist nobody saw coming (except maybe anyone who owns…
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Army Vet Confused for Immigrant, Held Three Days Before Family Finds Him
#BreakingNews #OopsICE #ImmigrationRaid #PaperworkProblems #Satire By: TheJestPress.com **US Citizen, Army Veteran Detained at Immigration Raid—Family’s Hide-and-Seek Game Ends after 3 Days** In the latest episode of “How Did That Happen?”, a US citizen and…
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Space Jumper Meets Earth, Paragliding Finally Proves Less Deadly Than Spacewalk
#ExtremeSports #OneTooMany #SkyHighRisks #LivingOnTheEdge #ParaglidingProblems By: TheJestPress.com **Man Who Jumped from Edge of Space Dies Paragliding; Experts Shocked He Even Bothered** Local daredevil and gravity denialist Nigel “SkyBoy” Jenkins, famed for leaping from the…
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Quantum Magnets Prove Spins Can Gossip Better Than Your High School Friends
#QuantumQuibbles #SpinCycle #MagneticPersonality #ClusterFunk #ScienceSatire **By: TheJestPress.com** **Quantum Magnetism Demonstrates Exotic Spin Exchange, Inspires Jealousy in Laundry Detergents** CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery rivaled only by the time someone accidentally made toast in the…
