-
Congress Nearly Defunds Public Media, Leaves Us Only With Reality TV
#FundingFreudFrenzy #PBSansFunds #NPRNightmare #SesameStreetSquatters #TaxpayerTears By: TheJestPress.com WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress took a major leap closer to defunding public media this week, prompting millions of Americans to frantically dust off their old boomboxes, teach…
-
Supreme Court Shocks: Attempted Murder Definitely Not Gentle Hobby After All
#Satire #SupremeCourt #MobsterNews #ObviousVerdicts #LegalHumor By: TheJestPress.com In a stunning 9-0 decision, the Supreme Court delivered a decisive rebuke to Vincent “The Not-So-Sneaky” Romano, a Genovese crime family associate, after he argued that attempted…
-
Brain Parasite Turns You Into Aggressive Daredevil or Crazy Love Machine
#MindControl #ToxoTakeover #DopamineDrama #BrainInvader #CatConspiracy By: TheJestPress.com **Experts Warn: Parasite Secretly Running Human Race—Explains Everything About Your Ex** In an alarming (yet weirdly validating) revelation this week, scientists confirmed that the parasite *Toxoplasma gondii*—once…
-
Trump Administration Shocked to Discover Iran’s Nuclear Sites Still Playing Hide and Seek
#Satire #TrumpNews #AlternativeFacts #IranNuclear #Breaking By: TheJestPress.com **Trump Administration Denies New Report on Iran’s Nuclear Sites, Suggests CNN Mistook ‘IKEA Assembly Instructions’ for Uranium Diagrams** WASHINGTON D.C. – The Trump administration has denied a…
-
MARTA CEO Exits After Board Learns Passport Isn’t Just A Suggestion
#ImmigrationStation #MARTAProblems #NextStopControversy #TransitDrama #PeachStateSatire By: TheJestPress.com **MARTA CEO Steps Down Amid Immigration Status Scandal; Commuters Fear Trains May Now Miss More Than Just Schedules** Atlanta’s beloved transit agency, MARTA, is once again in…
-
Brentwood Blaze Blunder: Fake Firefighter Flips Sirens, Sparks Truck Snatch
#FakeFirefighter #BrentwoodBust #BorrowedFireTruck #HeroComplex #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com BRENTWOOD, TN – In a blazing spectacle of questionable life choices, Brentwood authorities have apprehended a local man accused of impersonating a firefighter and, for good measure,…
-
Brain’s Traffic Jam Solution Revealed: More Blood, Less Neurodegeneration Drama
#BrainGains #BloodRushing #NeuroNonsense #ScanScandals #SatiricalScience By: TheJestPress.com **“BRAINS: NOW WITH OPTIONAL RUSH DELIVERY”** In news that will have your neurons doing jumping jacks, scientists have reportedly uncovered the brain’s latest party trick: summoning blood…
-
UK MPs Plot New Rules to Keep Votes Bought by Foreigners Extra Sneaky
#ForeignFunds #MPsInAction #ElectionInterference #UKPolitics #MoneyMatters By: TheJestPress.com In a bold move sure to totally revolutionize British democracy (for at least a week), UK Members of Parliament have announced plans to “tighten up” laws that…
-
Judge Frees Woman Who Stabbed Classmate to Impress Imaginary Slender Man
#satire #SlenderMan #CourtroomDrama #TrueCrime #OnlyInAmerica By: TheJestPress.com A Wisconsin judge has officially greenlit the release plan for Anissa Weier, one of the “Slender Man Stabbing” teens, prompting a mix of relief, panic, and immediate…
